Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm going to warn you in advance, for some people this post will make you uncomfortable, some will understand and others will walk away shaking their head thinking what's the big deal, just snap out of it.

I, myself, am not completly comfortable sharing this aspect of my life, but seeing at it has affected my business as well I feel it is only fair to share my story with you. I know sharing on this personal of a level is somewhat dangerous, I expect that some may ridicule what I have to say and for those that don't understand or have never experienced it they will feel I am just making excuses. It's ok, I understand, in fact if I myself had not had experience with this I wouldn't understand it either.

What I am talking about is something that effects millions of people, yet is still considered taboo to talk to about. Depression.

Depression is something that comes in many different forms, levels and the degree of severity can be different for each person. It is something that I have struggled with since my teens.

I can go weeks, months , sometimes even years without it rearing it's ugly head. Sometimes it is triggered by an event, but usually in my case it is not one big event but usually a set of small events - events that normally I could just shake off.

I did not see it coming this time. Around mid-December I started feeling extremly tired, yet I couldn't sleep at night, the holidays were nearing, yet I had no excitement (actually I felt dread), the slightest tasks seemed insurmountable, my body physcially hurt every day (just thought I was getting sick), my concentration was shot (thought it was because I had so much on my plate). I chalked it up to stress (business, finances, holidays) and told myself to suck it up. And I just wanted to cry constantly for no known reason.

The holidays came and went. I took off a few days from my shop to get re-energized. Only the exact opposite happened. I crashed on the couch for days at a time - literally staying in my pj's all day. I had no desire to do anything - didn't want to clean house, cook meals, play with my kids, work in my studio, nothing. My husband would ask me what my plans were for the day and I would burst into tears for no reason. Some days I would manage to get up and accomplish some small task (respond to an email, cook a meal, wash my hair) and for a while I would feel better. And then the veil would fall over me and I was back in that dark place again.

I tried to pretend like I was ok. That I was just tired and stressed, because no-one wants to feel like their old demons have come back to haunt them. I usually am a control freak - but with depression I have not control over it and it leaves me feeling useless and helpless- two feelings that I absolutley hate.

Physically I was hurting, emotionally I was hurting. And everything around me seemed to be falling apart. It got to the point where I just felt like I couldn't deal with anything- I am sad to say that not only did I neglect myself and my family - but also my business. My customer service (that I normally pride myself on) went down the tubes, simple request and inquiries fell to the way side or were met with extremely delayed lack-luster responses. My new line I was working on fell to the wayside. And I got to a point where I just gave up, I felt doomed and like I had ruined everything around me. Somewhere around Christmas the depression peaked and I just shut down.

I am not proud of this, I am not trying to make excuses, and as I said in the beginning I know it will be hard for some to understand this. All I can offer is an apology and an explanation to anyone this may have effected.

I wish I could say I am 100% back to normal as of this posting, but sadly that is not how depression works. I can say that I am on a treatment path and slowly starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

For those that have wondered where I am , what's going on with the shop, will I be back etc. The answer is yes, I will be back and so will the shop. Creating things is therapeutic for me and something I truly enjoy doing. I have been working the last few days on reorganizing my house and studio. The last couple of days I have been getting up early and actually working on tasks around the house (making myself get up and do something helps).

I have a few order errors from last month left to fix, a few lost or delayed packages still being tracked (or working on replacing) and a handful of emails to respond to. I need to make sure I get these things fixed first and then I will begin working on the new product line. I'm not going to give an exact date for reopening because at this point I am just going day by day.

I thank everyone for the support that was shown to me & my shop in 2009. I appreciate every customer and order we received. I hope that 2010 is a great year for all of us and hopefully we can renew your faith in us this new year.

I encourage anyone that has experienced similar symptons or knows someone suffering from depression to seek help. It can be a scary experience but one that usually can be treated when given the proper diagnosis.

XOXO- Marcee


  1. Get well.....hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon! Happy New Year!

  2. We are smiling for you; and along with your family are pulling you up in our prayers and good wishes. Thanks for all you have given to us. We love you. Will and Grace Wieber ♥·.¸¸.·´✿`·.¸¸.♥

  3. Most people think of depression as completely emotional and don't realize the physical symptoms it can have. I know how you day at a time.

  4. My husband has depression...everything you wrote about (all of your symptoms etc.) are exactly like his. Good for you for talking about it and getting it out in the open. Don't be ashamed. You are coming to terms with it and admitting you need to get some rest and help. Good for you! I applaud you for your honesty. Blessings!

  5. Been there done that Marcee. I am with you and understand exactly what you are going through. Most people don't understand how hard it is mentally and emotionally. My prayers are with you!

    Jim Rusk

  6. I am right there with you Marcee. The holidays can take a lot out of a person who struggles with depression. Good luck to you.

  7. Marcee if you want to talk I'm here. I know what you're going through as you well know. I'm thinking about you and know that you will bounce back as you always do. You have angels watching over you girl...chin up :o)

    Luv you,

  8. I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. I am fighting the same battle and know exactly the feeling you have described. *hugs*
    Keep your head up hun, things WILL get better with time ;) You know that as well as I do. Remember to take small steps, small goals....that always helped me feel better. Best of luck!

  9. i hope all is well and things are better...
    it's very hard to maintain the depression. It is always there, and anything can trigger and episode. I don't beleive in natural or holistic or mind controlling your mental state. it is ALOT more than that. Have you been clinically diagnosed? MEDS are extremely helpful and takes some of the edge off. I've tried and been through the whole pharmacy of anti-deps, and only one through the years has helped. it doesn't eliminate, just help ..
    Let me know if you need anything ...TAKE CARE!
    Keep in touch, Ina

  10. Oh, I just want to give you a big hug. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I have been in the same boat for months. Sleeping all the time, gaining weight, feeling dread...SO I understand completely.

    I can't change some of the things that make me depressed, but my plan is to at least attempt to make myself better and make do with what I have going on at the moment.

    But as for you, take care of yourself. You're very brave for bearing your soul so openly.

    As others have stated, I'm here if you need anything.

    (PS--Again, LOVE my candles! :D )

  11. Reading this post was like looking in the mirror. And it's so refreshing and relieving to hear someone speak so openly about this. Depression has been my constant companion, but in the winter months it takes a huge turn for the worse. November was bearable, but when December hit - well, it's just as you wrote above; I shut down. I'm doing better, but my husband still has to help me out of bed in the mornings. I'm at the point now where my favorite part of the day is going to get a cup of coffee at the Target cafe because their chairs are directly in the sunlight. I know it sounds silly, but it's been a huge help. That's really the only thing that works for me - getting as much sunlight as possible, and I'll do it however I can, including living at Target!

    I know it's not easy, but I hope you continue to take baby steps each day and get better. Thanks for talking about this - and keep making your *wonderful* soaps and candles!

  12. Hey Girl, I am no psychologist, but I think you have taken a huge step and with great courage to put yourself out there. As crafts-people and artisans we put ourselves "out there" every time we set up to do a show or post a new item; sometimes it can be exhausting. Not to mention the day to day activities that come with a family, home and for some of us the other job. I think everyone has faced some of the same emotions and life's frustrations you mentioned. I'm proud that you didn't bury your head in the sand and blame someone or something for the problem. Call if you feel like getting out...I still want to do sushi!

  13. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you to everyone! Your kind words and encouragement mean so much to me (actually brought me to happy tears yesterday). I am so sorry for anyone else going through this, but I do appreciate you sharing your stories with me, it helps to know I'm not alone!

    I hope that all of us can have a peaceful 2010!

    PS- I was clinically diagnosed when I was 17 (16 years ago), I have tried a plethora of meds over the years- some work- some not so much. This time I am forgoing the meds (only bc we since we are self employed and lacking health insurance , they are too expensive). However I have been able to get thru this before without them , so I am crossing my fingers! I think the extreme cold we have had here lately has not helped. I started going to a tanning salon- not because I want a tan but the warmth and fake sun actually helps me some!

  14. Just logged on to look for your new products and saw the link to your blog... I thought this verse fit well in reading your story....
    I love the Lord because he listens to my prayers for help. He paid attention to me, so I will call to him for help as long as I live. Psalm 116:1-2
    Take care of yourself!
    Prayers & Blessings,


  15. I came to your blog because I am a new customer and am awaiting a bar of soap I ordered. Now I know why you haven't communicated. I too have dealt with depression and know how tough it can be. I will be patient and hope that things continue to get better for you. You're in my thoughts!